FALL FASHION TIPS

I have accepted that ubiquitous cargo shorts are the uniform of Global Warming but have read recently that they are out. This is discouraging news for men who find them comfortable and suitable for Climate Change. There are all those pockets for phones, car keys, gum and duct tape. Add the skull tee shirt with gothic typeface and your look is complete. Some wives have been hiding the baggie shorts or throwing them away. Poor guys. They are merely adapting to weather conditions.

With no winter, who needs tight trendy jeans or L. L. Bean long underwear? If it snows you have your sweat pants. Hoodies when it rains. No one cares. It is 75 degrees in the living room! General tips: Never tuck your shirt in. No Chucks if you are over forty. Only white socks. They show you are athletic. Turtlenecks are for Bourgeois friends, uppity women and professor types. Don’t carry your coffee with you. Eat in the truck.

Global Warming brings with it fashion problems. Not all footwear goes with shorts. Construction boots are cool with cargos but what socks can you wear? Certainly not argyles. Ankle socks? They are OK hidden in the Timberlands. There is the plus of having your tattooed calf open to the world all year. Try to match your tattoo with your wife’s. No socks and sandals. But, you know that already. Only NPR listeners wear socks and sandals. Don’t do it.

If you live at the shore, life’s tougher. The government spent all its money on Katrina. Talk about an underwater mortgage! Not ready for the next 100 years storm? Afraid of flood insurance fraud? Some houses on Staten Island – to pass post-Sandy building codes – are now lifted up two stories onto concrete stilts. They look awful! 

To re-build you will need more than comfortable shorts with pockets for drywall screws. You will need flip-flops. They float. Be armed also with sandbags and a bulldozer to replenish the beach. Remember, storm surge will follow you inland. For those who have thought man-made changes in the earth’s weather was a hoax, you’d better buy camouflage cargos to be on the safe side. While still in stock, you might buy a few pairs of different styles. Naval camouflage is recommended for coastal regions. If you’ve got them, Global Warming will be a piece of cake.